Heartfelt details of nakedness

To those that may read this. It is not meant to be a reflection of perfection in writing. None of my entries are meant to be masterpeieces. They are written as they hit me and come out in a frenzy without hours of editing or tweaks.They are fresh and untamed and who I am. Please keep that in mind as you read. Much love and humility.

a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, Ecc3:6


In 2 days I will have been divorced for 6 years.

Perhaps that is why I have been keenly aware of all things.
I feel as if I am an old woman with a young face. But it is not my countenance that reflects age but my soul. My soul has aged seven times faster than I envisioned. Seven times we fall and get back up so says wisdom, perhaps I am one year shy of falling seven times to get back up.

a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,

So I found myself this weekend shopping enthusiastically (a leisure I most definitely detest). I ignored the fullness of my thighs and the rounding of my hips firmly grounded by a 3-degree circle of life that used to be a sexy reflection of black woman hood. I ignored the ever reality that I am now over thirty and not the tight 25 year old I used to be. I pretended that I was this full earthly goddess that can proudly sway the childbearing hips that are undeniably mine with pride. I grabbed my clothes and prepared to adorn myself. Sadly we women forget to adorn our spirits with the proper attire. I neglected to adorn my mind fully, I walked out and am walking out naked and I have been for the last 6 years. I dressed myself but all I could see was a discontented woman staring at me. I searched in the mirror for the old me until I gave up and put the looking glass away.

I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time Ecc3: 10-11

I have been searching for me. I have looked for love in the eyes of man. I have spent years wondering when I would be enough to love, when I could make him stop and seek me out. I have waited years for that whisper of love that falls so sweet and soft on the ear that it makes the heart flutter. I have been searching for my time to be beautiful and to release the burden. I have walked away before goodbye stayed too late and didn't contemplate enough the choices that I have made in this life. And as I write I am tired.

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, Ecc3:5

I am sitting at the bitter waters with a sweet stick and stones of an embittered past.
I have embraced pain,
I have embraced frailty and illusions
But now with stones in hand I must refrain
I am drinking sweet waters and gathering the memories of years long gone by
Arms untangling from the broken branches of distant lovers
Stones discarded lifting the soul to fly free and high on the gift of life anew
He has made everything beautiful in its time Ecc3:10-11
time to tear and a time to mend.. Ecc3:7
So as I said I did my shopping but when I dressed for the next morning all I could see was a discontented woman staring at me. I searched in the mirror for the old me until I gave up and put the looking glass away. I remember when I had someone to say that I was beautiful and then to say that I was nothing more than bad memory. I have planted weeds in my garden. I have weeds called doubt, uncertainty that I can ever love or be loved again, weeds of sorrow that soil my flowers. Perhaps it is time to invest in a cure called mending.

a time to be silent and a time to speak.. Ecc3:6
How do you mend?
Be still and know.
Be still and know that I am an earthly reflection of the Creator. 6 years ago I abandoned the notion that I was smart beautiful humble kind and generous. There has been so much noise in my head that I can't hear. It is time to silence the voices. I need to hear the words of my song that began generations before me. Then I must speak as the ancient griots. I am mending slowly day by day hour by hour minute by minute second by second.

a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance Ecc3:4
I have been weeping rivers of wonder
I have been washing in tears of guilt and shame
I lost the power of happiness to controlling the variables of the heart
I forget to laugh in order to keep mourning at bay
Today I will dance in the weeping rivers
Today I will dance free of the shackles of yesteryear
day by day hour by hour minute by minute second by second

It is now midnight and in 2 days I will have been divorced 6years. I have been single six years and holding on to past memories delicately shaping who I am around who I was. At 12:01 am I am searching for something new, I desire to be naked and youthful in the garden once more.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven Ecc3:1

I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it… Ecc3:10-14

12:04am I can add nothing more to details of my life or can I take anything away from the experiences that I have gained but I can find joy in the spaces in between.