Dashing to the finish line.

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I thought I had found something real and now I realized what I had found was the same old place I started from but with new wisdom. I know now that what I had found was something more valuable than I could ever tell him thanks for. In the midst of my sadness right now I have found the strength to start over and accept the loss. I would love to hear a soft word or touch that he once have given but his sorrows leave no room for me in his world and that is the story of most , too brusied to love past the hurt or hold on to a touch of love enough to see as a saving grace that doesn't carry disdain or judgement but patience and strength to help him win the race. But I am not the one and I don't carry the love he needs and he doesn't have the heart to love me enough and so it shall be without hard feelings just two simple words Good Bye and a time to reflect at the lessons learned.
I would be a lie if I said that I don't lday down and cry at night and feel more sad that he doesn't seem to be moved , affected or concerned. But even in the washing I am becoming stronger. There are so many qualities about him that I hope oneday some woman will be able to receive. When we first met he caught me off gaurd because I had no intentions of finding love. It was beautiful to have a man look at me in amazement and ask questions to explore me. Risking so much when that was not his nature just to pursue the heart he once had and the joy of what he know love could be. He is amazing and I hope oneday he will see that he is not a failure, he is a King with a dream and vision, ideas and focus that few will see. Dark nights kiss gorgeous days and even a King had to lay in the hay but his name give us grace. Perhaps oneday he will see that my love and support was because I can see the dream and future he holds.
But those days of infinite possibilities and I miss you have been replaced by the failures we believe we have accomplished. We have accepted that the other knows the heart of the other; but when we look into each other's eyes is it love or disdain that is shown. For my part I am sorry for each time I ever took for granted it was alright to be someone I am not for all the pain I now hold in my heart my love has not changed and it is a shame that I would not say I love you as I knew to do because everyone needs to know, Lord knows I do. How often we forget the power of love but when it races pass you and you lack the endurance to chase it, you quickly rembember the warmth of its's embrace.
I wish that was able to express that the storm that he is dancing with;isn't forever and the measure of a man is how he responds and determines the stay in the wilderness. His worth is determined in the way he holds his head and the one way loves for another, no man walks alone...

Or do we walk alone becuase right now I have never felt so alone. Even as I write all this and accept his need for pride,happines and a sense of self worth and accomplishment, it has left me isolated,lonely and desiring to hear the words I love you, I miss you, you are beautiful and how much he values the things that I am doing. I miss these things not because I am chasing the dreams of others but it is because it is what I have always needed more than the big house..this is me and what I need. I hear more of what I need to change , what I could work on and how I need to not take it personal that I cannot control the tears that want to flow and if he only knew that I hate to cry, feel weak or sad .
But as I understand and accept that it isn't personal does he accept or understand that my pain , my struggles my needs or should i just accept that I have no priority in the windfall of uncontrollable change for a man that needs order. And in the end does the ends justify the means if it makes him a better man. I would have to say yes and learn to be unselfish and accept.
Eventhough my heart is breaking as I feel I am giving my all it is more important to love enough to let go of young girl dreams of having a man say to me that I am enough and how beautiful I am. Young girls dream in color and fantasies that he will feel honored to give just as much as me, the reality love is selfish and I have to concede had I learned that lesson years ago my heart would not slowly bleed.

Instead I have given and given even when told and shown that it was time to let go and dash away to the finish line. I have stayed to late walking away emotionally broke, drained, cold of heart and full of disdain. And no he will never say I should have made a change or asked her to stay because he had nothing to offer her because he was battling his own pain and she wasn't enough to make him to see beyond it or worth it to love unselfishly or maybe it was me who couldn't see just how much his heart bleeds at the things he has lost and..i wasn't even worth the sacrifice..and how his heart must swell , yell and blister that he took the chance on me.

And once again i walk away with gifts in hand but less than my heart to part , the same song and dance except this time I can say that my heart is finally broken, broken to an extent that it can not mend, but i can not say it is his fault , I can still see gentleness in his eyes . it is mine and i am finally done and can let go of love ..she was never mine. This little girl has finally learned that hurt and pain are not always intentional and can even make you grow. And this is my lesson learned as I cross the finish line.