Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye- H. Jackson Brown Sr.

This morning I smiled. My body was sore and tired. Yet this morning my spirit rejoiced and my situation and circumstance remained the same.
Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye- H. Jackson Brown Sr.
Over the weeks I had been sullen in my soul. It seemed like all the salt that flavored my spirit was depleted. Although many would argue age is irrelevant I hold fast to the fact that at the age I am; now 31, many of the issues I am having I should have out grown. To my eyes my situation was helpless and hopeless and I felt most at peace when I lay down.
For those of you who have no idea what can make someone so restless imagine having someone else depend on you for everything and have nothing to provide. Having to look down at my three angels and not have the means to make them soar is the most hurtful experience I can endure. And no childbirth (even my 8lb plus Alaoni) without meds does not compare.
It is a different type of pain. The pain of feeling like your entire life is a lie. I don’t curse because I can’t justify telling my children not to curse if I do. I am not the parent who says do what I say and not what I do. I hated that growing up. I have no legal grounds like the “law says drinking is for 21 and older. So I made the choice not to curse. That is who I am, I want to be a model parent, and I want to be the woman I want my girls to be. But I had been feeling like the biggest liar/hypocrite. How could I tell them to handle their own, they needed no one but God and here I was standing on the verge of sanity trying to balance rent, car, gas groceries and a belief that God was upset with me. Because he obviously isn’t seeing I am not like other women, I don’t possess the same strength I was losing it. And each day I was becoming more sullen, more bills, this was not my life, didn’t someone get the plan I created. I never said I would be broke single and more alone, I have been apologizing to God everyday for whatever mistakes I had made and begged for reprieve.
See I am that rare woman (and yes we all say it and we all mean it lol) who believes that my talk should match my walk.
I believe that I am endowed with everything I need mentally to endure every storm that is presented.
I believe that I my gifts are song, wisdom and discernment and teaching, therefore it is my responsibility to give and less to receive. I have difficulty receiving.
I am loving and faithful to my family and the ones I take in as friends...and it takes a lot for me to call one friend, I am subtlety distinct with that line of connection.
I have been deeply hurt and my fear of rejection makes it even harder for me to accept others into my heart.
I firmly believed I was meant to have the ideal relationship, friendship companionship and family. I tried for almost 8years and was devastated to lose it all.
So in a mini nutshell there I am and over the weeks it appeared as if my whole life was a lie.
I had no way of figuring my out of my financial mess.
I felt I had no way to bless anyone else, and I refused to accept help, obviously my wisdom was lacking.
I had been arguing with my parents and had no relationships with most in my family except my sister 1 of 4 and a brother. Get the picture.
Obviously I am very single with two children’s fathers evident my discernment was gone. And currently I can say that I don’t have anyone in my life that can see what beauty I possess, makes any woman question herself at times. Even those that say single is gift..trust me I do feel that way. Can’t honestly say they don’t experience loneliness at times. I suppose that is where I was as I was going through I missed having that person next to you assuring you how special you are how it is going to be ok. Instead I had the empty reflection of a cell phone with an occasional bill collector.
All this to say I was ready to give up until I heard the words I was seconds away from death.
Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye- H. Jackson Brown Sr.
And something snapped. I pulled what was in my heart and held on to it. My situation was not changing. I don’t have any prospects waiting to tell me how I am a rare find. But I will hold on to fact I am human and will have periods of loneliness and that is normal. Being seconds from death and facing it alone I didn’t think of my lack of relationship(s). I thought about how I want to live my imperfect life and be the imperfect woman who is still faithful and loyal to her family, endowed with wonderful gifts and is complicated beyond belief but likes to pretend she is simple. My phone still lights up with a bill collector but I smile that today God has allowed me another day to find my way. In my heart I knew it along, my eyes just were blinded from tears.